Subject: Liberal Border Crossings
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting
the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt,
pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry.
“He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him
my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that
blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said.
“The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn’t give milk”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons,
drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario
border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegan
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they  can’t
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious
about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many
art-history majors does one country need?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to
Cheney said. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we
might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is
determined to reach out.”
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