“A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service
to all Americans who still don’t get it, I now offer you the story of
the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country.
There’s just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It’s a
made up word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years.
Like “Wiccan,” “Palestinian” sounds ancient but is really a modern
invention Before the Israelis won the land in the 1967 war,
Gaza was owned by Egypt, the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there
were no “Palestinians.”
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs,
what do you know, say hello to the “Palestinians,” weeping for their
deep bond with their lost “land” and “nation.”
So for the sake of honesty, let’s not use the word “Palestinianâ€
anymore to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our
deaths, until someone points out they’re being taped. Instead, let’s
call them what they are†Other Arabs Who Can’t Accomplish Anything In
Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of
Eternal Struggle And Death.”
I know that’s a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this,
then: “Adjacent Jew-Haters.” Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want
their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don’t. They
could’ve had their own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David but if you have your own
country, you have to have traffic lightsand garbage trucks and
Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out
some way to make a living.
That’s no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the
region want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course –that’s where the
real fun is — but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying
to destroy Israel – or “The Zionist Entity” as their textbooks call
it — for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab
countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the
fact that they’re the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and
tribally backward on God’s Earth,
and if you’ve ever been around God’s Earth . . . you know that’s
really saying something
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic
about the great history and culture of the Muslim Middle east.
Unless I’m missing something, the Arabs haven’t given anything to the
world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that
one.
Chew this around & spit it out: 500 million Arabs; 5 million Jews.
Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a
pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks
swear that, if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches,
everyone will be pals.. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what
about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the
constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh,
that? We were just kidding. My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous
point the other day: Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine 500 million
Jews and 5 million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of
it . Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and
dynamite to themselves? Of course not Or marshaling every fiber and
force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State
into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents?
Impossible. Or spreading and believing
horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of
children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world
of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to
death. Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand
that, with vital operations in Iraq and others, it’s in our interest,
as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible,
and, after all, that can’t be much harder than stabilizing a roomful
of super models who’ve just had their drugs taken away. However, in
any big-picture strategy, there’s always a danger of losing moral
weight. We’ve already lost some. After September 11th, our president
told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the
countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after
months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every
week (and then every day), start to do the same thing we did, and we
tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we
would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be
done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east
of the Jordan.
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