MB Civic

“I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope—a lot of rope, and then—he hung all of us with it.

I should have known it when I heard him say, “When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out.” What jury, where? The Scopes trial is over.

I never thought that during the course of my life, a president would be elected who didn’t believe in evolution, or at least kind of in the ball park of it, or thought m-m-m-maybe it’s got some MERIT!

But NO! He believes that the earth was created in seven days.

Whew! Takes my breath away.

And why does he believe that?
Because he read it in the Old Testament, which is the book of my people—the Jewish people.

And that book wasn’t good enough for you Christians, was it? You went, “No, we’ve got a better book, with a better character, you’re going to LOVE him!”

And you called your book NEW, and said our book was OLD!

And yet every Sunday I turn on the television set, and there’s a priest or a pastor reading from my book, and interpreting it, and their interpretations,

I have to tell you, are usually wrong.

It’s not their fault, because it’s not their book.

You never see a rabbi on the TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?

If you want to truly understand the Old Testament, if there is something you don’t quite get, there are Jews who walk among you, and THEY—I promise you this—will take TIME out of their VERY JEWY, JEWY DAY, and interpret for you anything that you’re having trouble understanding.

And we will do that, if, of course, the price is right.

Was the earth created in seven days?

No.

For those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you that you do not understand the Jewish people.

We Jews understand that it did not take place in seven days, and that’s because we know what we’re good at; and what we’re really good at is bullshit.

This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning.

I would LOVE to have the FAITH to believe that it took place in seven days, but—I have thoughts.

And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.

And then, there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go, “Fossil!” And if they keep talking I throw it just over their head.

There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the earth at the same time.

There are museums that children go to in which they build dioramas to show them this.

And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction.

They are crazy.

They are stone cold fuck nuts.

I can’t be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

Ten Well Known Inventions originally rejected by experts:
1. The Barbie Doll
2. Correction Fluid
3. The fold up bike
4. The Hovercraft
5 Monopoly
6. The Photo Copier
7 The Safety Razor
8 Trivial Pursuit
9 Tupperware
10. The Vacuum Cleaner