* If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
* Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
* Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* Always do whatever’s next.
* When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
* Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
* When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
* Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
* One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
* Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
* Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
* May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
* I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
* Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
* I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
* Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
* I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
* If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
* I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
* There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
* The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
* Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.