MB Civic

Forgive me if you have all already seen this. I found it most encouraging.

Al Baraka

A GREAT ONE FROM BILL MAHER!!
New Rule: Conservatives who love to brag about American
exceptionalism must come here to California, and see it in person. And then
they should be afraid — very afraid. Because while the rest of the country
is beset by stories of right-wing takeovers in places like North Carolina,
Texas and Wisconsin, California is going in the opposite direction and
creating the kind of modern, liberal nation the country as a whole can only
dream about. And not only can’t the rest of the country stop us — we’re
going to drag you along with us.

It wasn’t that long ago that pundits were calling California
a failed state and saying it was ungovernable. But in 2010, when other
states were busy electing whatever Tea Partier claimed to hate government
the most, we elected a guy who actually liked it, Jerry Brown.
Since then, everything Republicans say can’t or won’t work
— gun control, immigration reform, high-speed rail — California is making
work. And everything conservatives claim will unravel the fabric of our
society — universal healthcare, higher taxes on the rich, gay marriage,
medical marijuana — has only made California stronger. And all we had to do
to accomplish that was vote out every single Republican. Without a
Republican governor and without a legislature being cock-blocked by
Republicans, a $27 billion deficit was turned into a surplus, continuing the
proud American tradition of Republicans blowing a huge hole in the budget
and then Democrats coming in and cleaning it up.

How was Governor Moonbeam able to do this? It’s amazing,
really. We did something economists call cutting spending AND raising taxes.
I know, it sounds like some crazy science fiction story, but you see, here
in California, we’re not just gluten-free and soy-free and peanut-free,
we’re Tea Party free! Virginia could do it, too, but they’re too busy
forcing ultrasounds on women who want abortions. Texas could, but they don’t
because they’re too busy putting Jesus in the science textbooks. Meanwhile
their state is so broke they want to replace paved roads with gravel. I
thought we had this road-paving thing licked in the 1930s, but not in Texas.
But hey, in Dallas you can carry a rifle into a Chuck E. Cheese, cause
that’s freedom. Which is great, but it wasn’t so great when that unregulated
fertilizer plant in Waco blew up. In California, when things blow up, it’s
because we’re making a Jason Statham movie.
California isn’t perfect, but it is in our nature from being
on the new coast to be up for trying new things — and maybe that’s why the
right wingers are always hoping we fail. On the campaign trail last year,
Mitt Romney warned that if we didn’t follow his conservative path, “America
is going to become like Greece, or… Spain, or Italy, or… California.”
And that was a big laugh line with Mormons, because Greece, Spain and Italy
have some art and poetry and theatre, but nothing like Salt Lake City. Yes,
Mitt sure hates California, which is why he moved to San Diego. To the house
with the car elevator.

What conservatives fear about California being a petri dish
for the liberal agenda is well-founded. For example, as Obamacare gets
implemented here much more successfully than predicted, the movement to just
go all the way to a single payer system is gathering steam. It actually
passed the legislature twice, but was vetoed by Schwarzenegger, who argued
it didn’t go far enough to cover the children of that natural, beautiful
love between a man and a cleaning lady.

In lots of areas, California seems to have decided not to
wait around for the knuckle-draggers and the selfish libertarian states to
get on board. They can mock “European style democracies” all they want, we
are building one here, and people like it — the same way when Americans
come back from a vacation in Europe they all say the same thing: “Wow, you
can see titties on the beach!” But they also remark on the clean air, the
modern, first world infrastructure, the functioning social safety net, and
bread that doesn’t taste like powdered glue. And they wonder, “Why can’t we
get that here?” Unless they’re Republicans, in which case they wonder, “How
can people live like that?”

Well, swallow hard, guys, because California is eventually
going to make all Americans live like that. Why? Because we’re huge. The
12th largest economy in the world, the fifth largest agricultural exporter
in the world, and of course number one in laser vaginal rejuvenation.
There’s 40 million of us — so, for example, when California set a high
mileage standard for any car sold in this state, Detroit had to make more
fuel-efficient cars; we’re just too big a slice of the market, and it would
be too expensive to make one car for us, and another for shit-kickers who
want something that runs on coal.

It’s so ironic — the two things conservatives love the
most, the free market and states rights — are the two things that are going
to bend this country into California’s image as a socialist utopia. Maybe
our constipated Congress can’t pass gun control laws, but we just did. Lots
of ’em. Because we don’t give a shit about the NRA. Out here that stands for
“Nuts, Racists, and Assholes.” So while the rest of America is debating
whether it’s a good idea to allow guns in bars or a great idea to allow guns
in bars, California is about to ban lead bullets. Which is a no-brainer,
because bullets don’t need lead, and lead kills birds and gets into the food
supply of people who hunt their own food. Which explains why Ted Nugent is
such a raving lunatic.

While other state governments are working with Jesus to make
abortion more miserable — because otherwise women would use it for weight
loss — California is making it easier. We actually have a guy dancing on
the street corner dressed as the Statue of Liberty spinning a big arrow that
says, “Abortions!” And a new law will even let nurse practitioners perform
abortions. And dog groomers can aid assisted suicides by Skype.
California was the first state to legalize medical
marijuana, our minimum wage is almost three dollars higher than the national
rate, and in 10 years a third of our electricity will come from renewable
energy and 15 percent of our cars will be electric.

And while Republicans in the rest of the country are
threatening to deport every immigrant not named Ted Cruz, California just
OK’d driver’s licenses for undocumented aliens. That’s right, we’re letting
them drive cars — just like white people! You Red Staters may ask, “How
come they’re lettin’ Meskins drive?” Well, it’s because they have to get to
their jobs. You see, here in California we’re embracing the modern world —
we can’t be worrying about all the nonsense that keeps Fox News viewers up
at night when they should be in bed adjusting their sleep apnea mask. Our
state motto is, “We’re Too Busy for Your Bullshit.”

The bottom line is that we are moving the country’s largest
economy into a place where we can all be health-insured, clean
air-breathin’, gay-married, immigrant-friendly citizens who don’t get shot
all the time. And my message to the rest of America is: do not resist. Kneel
before Zod! California has been setting the trends in America for decades,
from Silicon Valley to silicone tits, and it’s not going to stop now. We say
jump — you say, “Please sell me new exercise clothes for jumping.” We said
put cilantro in food, and dammit, you did, you put cilantro in food, even
though neither one of us knows what it is. Almond milk? We just had some
extra almonds and thought we’d fuck with you. The enormous earlobe hole?
You’re welcome. We also invented the genius bar, where the kid with the
enormous earlobe hole takes your MacBook in the back and fills it with
animal pornography.

– Bill Maher, host of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher