[Mb-civic] TRANSCRIPT OF COLBERT

[Mike Blaxill]

    Here with a special edition of the Colbert
report, Stephen Colbert.

    Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I
begin, I’ve been asked to make an announcement.
Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.’S out
front, could you please move them. They are
blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.’S
and they need to get out.

    Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House
Correspondents’ Dinner. To just sit here, at the
same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be
this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming.
Somebody pinch me. You know what, I’m a pretty
sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody
shoot me in the face. Is he really not here
tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By
the way, before I get started, if anybody needs
anything at their tables, speak slowly and
clearly on into your table numbers and somebody
from the N.S.A. will be right over with a
cocktail. Mcsmith , ladies and gentlemen of the
press corps, Mr. President and first lady, my
name is Stephen Colbert and it’s my privilege
tonight to celebrate our president. He’s no so
different, he and I. We get it. We’re not
brainbacks on the nerd patrol. We’re not members
of the fact niece that. We go straight from the
gut, right sir? That’s where the truth lies,
right down here in the gut. Do you know you have
more nerve endings in your gut than you have in
your head? You can look it up. I know some of you
are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not
true. That’s but you looked it up in a book.

    Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My
gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works.
Every night on my show, the Colbert report, I
speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people
the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I
call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the
copyright on that term. I’m a simple man with a
simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I
live by. Number one, I believe in America. I
believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there.
I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the
Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states.
And I cannot wait to see how “the Washington
Post” spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest
export. At least until China figures out a way to
stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country
makes our happy meals possible. I said it’s a
celebration. I believe the government that
governs best is the government that governs
least. And by these standards, we have set up a
fabulous government in Iraq.

    I believe in pulling yourself up by your own
bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this
guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was
magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I
believe that everyone has the right to their own
religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I
believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus
Christ as your personal savior.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it’s yogurt.
But I refuse to believe it’s not butter. Most of
all I believe in this president. Now, I know
there’s some polls out there saying this man has
a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t
pay attention to the polls. We know that polls
are just a collection of statistics that reflect
what people are thinking in “reality.” And
reality has a well-known liberal bias.

    So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the
people that say the glass is half full. 32% means
the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes
properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people
who say the glass is half empty, because 32%
means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid
in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink
it.

    The last third is usually backwash. Folks, my
point is that I don’t believe this is a low point
in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull,
before a comeback. I mean, it’s like the movie
“Rocky.” The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed
is everything else in the world. It’s the 10th
round. He’s bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who
in this case would be the Vice President, and
he’s yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time
he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down?
No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he
— actually loses in the first movie. Ok. It
doesn’t matter. The point is the heart-warming
story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the
face. So don’t pay attention to the approval
ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of
the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does
that not also logically mean that 68% approve of
the job he’s not doing? Think about it. I
haven’t.

    I stand by this man. I stand by this man
because he stands for things. Not only for
things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft
carriers and rubble and recently flooded city
squares. And that sends a strong message, that no
matter what happens to America, she will always
rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops
in the world. Now, there may be an energy crisis.
This president has a very forward-thinking energy
policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch
cutting that brush all the time? He’s trying to
create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we
will have a mesquite powered car. And I just like
the guy. He’s a good joe. Obviously loves his
wife, calls her his better half. And polls show
America agrees. She’s a true lady and a wonderful
woman. But I just have one beef, ma’am. I’m
sorry, but this reading initiative. I’ve never
been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re
all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist
telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or
didn’t happen. What’s Britannica to tell me the
Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say
it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an
American. I’m with the president, let history
decide what did or did not happen. The greatest
thing about this man is he’s steady.

    You know where he stands. He believes the
same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday,
no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can
change, this man’s beliefs never will. And as
excited as I am to be here with the president, I
am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media
that is destroying America, with the exception of
Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every
story, the President’s side and the Vice
President’s side.

    But the rest of you, what are you thinking,
reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons
in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a
very important reason, they’re superdepressing.

    And if that’s your goal, well, misery
accomplished. Over the last five years you people
were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence,
the affect of global warming. We Americans didn’t
want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try
to find out. Those were good times, as far as we
knew. But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s
how it works. The President makes decisions, he’s
the decider. The Press Secretary announces those
decisions, and you people of the press type those
decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them
through a spell check and go home. Get to know
your family again. Make love to your wife. Write
that novel you got kicking around in your head.
You know, the one about the intrepid Washington
reporter with the courage to stand up to the
administration. You know, fiction.

    Because really, what incentive do these
people have to answer your questions, after all?
I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for
personnel changes. So the White House has
personnel changes. Then you write they’re just
rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First
of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This
administration is not sinking. This
administration is soaring. If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

    Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. Some
heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr.
President, thank you for agreeing to be to my
show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I
promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I’ve got
Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump
him. I know a guy. Say the word.

    See who we’ve got here tonight. General
Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter
Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys
aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still
support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I’ve got a
theory about how to handle these retired generals
causing all this trouble, don’t let them retire.
C’mon, we’ve got a stop loss program, let’s use
it on these guys. If you’re strong enough to go
on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a
bank of computers and order men into battle.
C’mon. Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the
show. Very interesting and challenging interview.
You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say
what he wants at the pace that he wants.

    It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that
metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no
idea what a glacier is.

    Justice Scalia’s here. May I be the first to
say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are
you?

    John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain.
What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he
used on his salad, because I guarantee you wasn’t
a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There’s
no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming
back into the republican fold. I have a
summerhouse in South Carolina, look me up when
you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad
you’ve seen the light. Mayor Nagin is here from
New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it
up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to
Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a
marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of
corruption. It’s a mallomar is what I’m
describing, a seasonal cookie.

    Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband
since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along
his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh,
what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I
meant to say he brought along his lovely wife,
Joe Wilson’s wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here
tonight? Dodged a bullet.

    And we can’t forget man of the hour, new
Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name,
Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest
job in government, next to, of course, the
ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill,
Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like
nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really
felt like he needed to spend more time with
Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you
hadn’t made the decision to quickly, sir. I was
vying for the job. I think I would have made a
fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but
contempt for these people. I know how to handle
these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an
audition tape and with your indulgence, I’d like
to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and
gentlemen, my press conference.